Archive for controlled crying
I don’t really care about rising stress hormone levels in crying babies
Posted by: madcow | Comments (3)The debate rages in and out – control cry or not. Depending, of course, on which version of controlled crying they decide to tell you about.
Anyhoo, 8 years ago, and even 6 years ago, controlled crying was in. And now, it’s something else. I don’t even know what’s trendy anymore because it’s all too bloody confusing and keeps changing and no one really cares what suits the mum or the baby or the family. They’re all sprouting their own guff.
Couple of weeks back was some research that said leaving baby to cry for 20 minutes was ok. And the current-trend followers are doing their oh, so empowering and supportive thing and saying “oh, no, do you know what you’re putting your baby through when you leave it to cry?” and the “how can you do that’s?” etc.
(In case you missed it, I was being a little sarcy with the “oh, so empowering and supportive” comment)
You know what?
I. Don’t. Care.
I don’t care how high the stress hormone levels in the baby go after crying for 20 minuutes. Or how distressed he gets when he cries and doesn’t get an immediate response.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
Whoops, that was Mother Guilt levels rising.
After 10 months of 2am wake ups and 1 sleep a day, what the fuck do you think my stress levels are doing?
Ka-ching. Add some more to my stress hormone levels with the increase in Mother Guilt levels.
Ka-ching is not quite right, impies cashing up. Sadly, sleep deprived, befuddled brain can’t think of anything else.
When my lack of sleep, and currently ignored bouts of crying lasting longer than 20 minutes, starts to impact on my daily life, the baby’s stress hormone levels are the least of my worries. Sending the kids off to school with sandwiches made of their recent school report and a smelly sock, which have somehow managed to relocate themselves to the fridge’s cheese compartment and Vegemite jar respectively and ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching – there go my stress hormone levels again.
Followed closely by the Mother Guilt levels, yet again, when I realise I’ve yelled at one of them for complaining about what he was wearing to school, then realise I’d not only made him cry, but sent him off in a sparkly pink tu-tu. And we don’t have girls in this house. Or sparkly pink tu-tus for that matter.
Worse, my stress hormone levels are so high, I can’t function enough to get the components of a MUG of coffee working – you know, hot water and coffee. I even have a machine to do it for me, a machine that literally requires me to add water from the tap, and add coffee beans. It does the rest … and I can’t manage to get that right some days.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. That would be my levels of self-worth declining, whilst my feelings of inadequacy and crap mothering increase exponentially!
The Psycho Bitch that has moved into our house – via my head – who yells at everyone and can’t even get a decent MUG of coffee isn’t helping matters, either.
So, with all the well-meaning and well intended advice out there advising us on the best ways to get babies to sleep etc etc blah blah blah, throwing in all the guff about their stress hormone levels with being left to cry, with all due respect … not very fucking helpful.
At all.
Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.
That’s my stress hormone levels, my Mother Guilt levels, my feelings of inadequacy, my feelings of worthlessness and my feeling like a “bad mother”. Increasing. Rapidly.
All of which go up even more rapidly when you’re sleep deprived and feeling stressed, guilty and inadequate and the baby has been left to cry for something in the vacinity of 37 seconds. Baby’s hormone levels, stress or otherwise, are not top priority.
Thank you for your well-meaning ‘advice’. Now, please shut up.
Unless of course, you’re going to focus on me – yes, as selfish as that may sound, um, if I get hit by a bus because I can’t function enough to walk, I seriously doubt the 10 month old is going to manage the household and make sandwiches for lunch. Although, given my current state, he cold probably do a better job than I can.
So, right now, if I hear one more “expert” say “oh, but think of what you’re doing to the baby” I will quite possibly go slightly more mad than I already am. Surely, my overall mental and emotional well-being are going to have greater impact on the long term development of the baby than being left to cry for a bit?
Or is that me just being a selfish cow, as some have implied and yet others have outright stated?
And thank you to the Pycho Bitch who helped me to write this. Your (my?) input was invaluable.
Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!
My head hurts. Really hurts.
You see, not two weeks ago I was criticised for preferring the controlled crying method of getting Bubs to sleep. Bullied, patronised and verbally abused in some cases.
I was incredibly disturbed to see images – images, I might add, that were filmed roughly half a century ago - of brand new babies left to cry themselves to sleep. Neglected if you prefer. It’s all subjective.
And now, this morning, I read in the Herald Sun that it’s ok again.
Not that study’s prior to this haven’t shown pretty much the same thing. Its just that the pendulum swung so far the other way – attachment parenting, co-sleeping etc etc – that I think its now working its way back. Too many mums must have felt they were doing the something right and were feeling pretty confident in their parenting.
Anyhoo, no doubt we will, once again, be confronted with outdated and higholy emotive images to “prove” how bad it is.
We will discuss Mums who are using this method on week old babies, when the latest recommendation is “babies not younger than 6 months old”.
We will focus on the comments in this particular article that condemn controlled crying, that state that the outcome is “an anxious, clingy or hyper-vigilant child or even worse, a child whose trust is broken.” and stuff about it not being consistent with emotional needs … etc etc blah blah.
Not dismissing this research at all, but there is research that indicates that it can also have very positive outcomes. Theres is also a heap of reasearch out there that shows that attachment parenting and co-sleeping is detrimental to babies. And some that show’s its great.
Aaargghh!!
Well, I’m not going to focus on those bits. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the onesidedness, the bullying, the “I’m right, You’re wrong” attitudes.
I’m not going to enter into it.
You see, whilst the research is … conflicting? diverse? … so too are Mums.
Some just sit better with Controlled Crying, and others just don’t.
And that’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with that. We’re all going to read into things what we want. We’ll follow the advice that suits us the best, and works best with our families, our babies and our own personalities, beliefs and values.
There’s not much people can say that will change these things. All we end up with is Controlled Crying AND Co-Sleeping Mums feeling guilty, worried they’re “doing the wrong thing and damaging their children”, and neither of them having fun in the process, let alone getting good night’s sleep and enjoying their kids.
Back off, shut up and try a bit of support instead.
Besides, my head is still hurting … I wonder what I’ll be doing wrong next week …
With the recent article, featuring yours truly, in last Sunday’s Age I recieved numerous emails and noted discussion on various social wesbites, forums and the like.
Amongst the “thank you” emails and other, I was diagnosed with an “attachment disorder” – formally of course, based entirely on the readers interpretation of the article - and concern that I’d missed the experience of breastfeeding.
(Where the hell did that come from? Because I subscribe to the method of Controlled Crying? Can I not do both??!!)
Anyhoo, it was then that I noticed something very disturbing and incredibly upsetting.
You see, I don’t work in extremes. I work in ‘mainstream’ (for want of a better word), what the majority do, the average, the usual.
The accusations regarding my controlled crying (CC) beliefs were founded on the extreme, fanatical and, I believe, potentially harmful versions of CC that have been doing the rounds for years. The original having be misinterpreted, misconstrued, and altered to become something that most of us CCers don’t subscribe to.
The disturbing, upsetting thing is that, in my various forays into discussions of various groups (in this case alternative parenting advocates) I noted that “research” (incredibly biased), videos, documents and other images were doing the rounds within the groups.
Disturbing, emotional images that demonstrate only the extreme cases of the parenting style in question.
In the hands of experts and those in the know, this is useful information to have. My concern is that, in the hands of the “followers”, those who passionately follow a particular style, but have no formal experience or education in supporting Mums, this is a damaging practice. It does nothing but reinforce (extreme) stereotypes and generalisations, causing the extreme behaviours to appear to be the norm, perpetuating the divides between Mums who subscribe to parenting styles.
Thus, when I say I subscribe to CC, I’m condemned, attacked and vilified. And I don’t know why. Or didn’t, until I saw what was going on.
Now I understand the passionate comments, which are, sadly, founded on behaviours that are outside the norm.
This isn’t just the alternative parenting subscribers, baby-wearers, co-sleepers, exacerbating the divide either.
I’ve seen the responses my baby-wearing friends (yes, I do have friends who wear their babies. In fact, I went out for lunch with one yesterday) have received after media airings of alternative parenting.
The abuse and comments they receive, the emails doing the rounds about how ‘damaging’ it is, and the videos and images depicting those behaviours at the extreme other end of the scale.
I wonder at the pereceived need to participate in such activity. Is it a case of “if I put down others, I’ll feel better about what I do”? Sometimes, it smacks of that.
Are people doing it to justify their own behaviours and convince themselves?
Do Mums feel as though they are being attacked, and therefore defend to the hilt, using the most damaging and emotive weapons they have?
Whatever the reason, if there even is a reason, it does nothing to support Mums. It adds to the pressures and feelings of inadequacy that many Mums feel. Confusion, feelings of failure and stress increase, and the great divide gets bigger, more passionate and more and more damaging.
Sadly, I think parenting practices are becoming like religion and politics – don’t discuss them over dinner!
Even more sadly, we are losing substantial support from those around us who could support us, because the minds of Mums (and Dads) are being warped by controversial practices being made public, and the gentler, practical, doable and average practices are becoming invisible.
With the series currently showing on the ABC – Bringing Up Baby which revisits parenting styles from half a century ago, and follows several sets of parentings each following a particular style – comes the Great Parenting Debate.
Or several Great Parenting Debates. An article in the Sunday Age this morning, Crying Out Loud: mothercraft theories clash touches on these parenting styles, and the Great Parenting Debates.
(And they’ve used a very, very delicious baby in their photo!)
Happy to have put my two cents worth in, I maintain the ‘each to their own’ philosophy and encourage people to do what is right for them.
(For the record, I don’t “resent” the baby-wearers, what I resent is being told I’m a bad mum because I don’t. If it works for you, who am I to tell you to do differently?!)
Sure, I subscribe to the controlled crying (in its real form, not the neglectful, leave a child alone in its cot for a week with no human contact, to teach it a lesson version the some anti-control-criers have made it out to be) and non-baby wearing generation. Because it suits me, and works for me and my family.
But I’m so sick of being labelled “abusive” because I let my child cry for 30 seconds whilst I’m attempting to use the toilet, or I’m off removing the head of a Lego man.
(That was at the request of my 8 year old, not because I was really stressed and venting my frustrations on poor defenseless Lego men!)
Or, because I really want him to sleep and doing what I can to get him to sleep and maintain my sanity.
As someone who, at various times in my life, has experienced physical, emotional and verbal abuse, I really, really object to comments like:
“…but how do you tell parents who have used controlled crying for so long that this is a form of abuse now?”
made be Annmarie Samson of Night Nannies.
Leaving my child to cry for a minute, two, until I can tell he really needs me, is very, very different from forms of abuse. Although touted as akin to neglect, it is far from it.
Telling mothers they are abusing their children, badgering them to confirm to your ways (whatever the way) is bullying and a form of abuse in itself. It’s psychological abuse.
Sadly, children are more likely to be the victims of physical abuse by their overtired, overstressed mothers who feel awful because they are being told to attend their crying babies, when the best thing they can do is step away until they can deal with it.
Guilting mother’s into behaving a certain way undermines their own instincts and abilities. Mother’s are amazing people with the ability to know what is right for their children. Sometimes they need guidance. Sometimes, they need to step away from a crying child (or any child for that matter) for the safety of everyone.
I appreciate everyone has their own view on parenting. Most views are based on people’s own experiences and what has worked for them. Most will go with a preanting philosphy that suits their family anyway, only confirming for that family that its the way to go.
I applaud you for finding the way that suits you, and for sticking with it.
But don’t abuse me because I choose a different style.
