Archive for mum
There goes the last vestige of “normal” in my life …
Posted by: | CommentsAfter a year (2009) of Kitchen Appliance Failures – official year of, because I said so – our washing machine decided it had had enough.
As per “normal” in our household, hubby and I went into denial about the death of yet another appliance in such close proximity to household appliance deaths and wnt through every possible cycle on our washing machine over the last few months in a vain attempt to locate one the machine could deal with.
Alas, it was not to be, and much like my children, the machine avoided doing what was requested of it. I even said “wash the damn clothes!” and it didn’t. Unlike my children, however, who do eventually do what is requested of them after much threatening with loss of DS or Star Wars DVDs, the washing machine just refused.
So off to the scrap yard it was! Something you can’t do with children. And off we went in search of a complaint appliance. We did love our machine and located the newer, better, latest version. Hurrah!
And it was delivered and installed and I went to locate the HUGE backlog of washing I was convinced we had so I could be first to use the machine, only to discover we had little to wash, because everyone in the house has been sick, and we’ve all been wearing the same pyjamas for 3 days. Not all the same pair, obviously, a pair each. But 5 pairs of pyjamas does not a load make. Besides, I couldn’t get the kids removed from their’s. 3 pairs definiltley does not a load make.
I scrounged up enough items to wash, and, with manual in one hand, and pointer finger extended on other, I set about starting the machine.
But … what .. where … how … where is the “Normal” wash?
When did washing clothes become so complex and … discriminatory that we can no longer not just wash the darks with the lights?! Now, the darks must be seperated from the lights, who must be separated from the whites. The cottons and polyesters are to be segregated, the lingerie from the delicates (???), and the lightly soiled from those items that “retain water” (my thighs??)
It’s bad enough I have to sort through the pockets – apparently this new machine won’t do it for me like the last one did, leaving little deposits of 20 cent pieces and noodles caught in the rubber seal. Now, I not only have to sort and isolate items, I’m required to make a thorough assessment of their level of soilage and materials from which they were manufactured!
What happened to just stuffing clothes in, adding some powder and turning it on?
What happened to Normal!
It was the only thing I had left in my life that was normal … and now t’is gone …
Real Mums Reviews – Baby Wipe Warmers
Posted by: | CommentsThe cynic in me (or perhaps its the realist in me) has long believed that if you mention the word “wedding” or “baby” the price of stuff goes up. Add an extra “0″ to the price.
I also believe, particularly in relation to babies, there is a whole heap of crap “they” try to sell you that you don’t really need. I like to call it “Emotional Blackmail”.
Some of these things are downright ridiculous. Seriously, are we so intent on breeding an entire generation of kids who have zero concept that there is perhaps a little bit of discomfort in the world.
If this isn’t Extreme Overprotective Parenting (EOP) then I don’t know what is. Welcome to the Baby Wipe Warmer!
(My first thought when I saw these was “Are you fucking kidding me?!” And I don’t usually swear in reviews)
Let me be upfront, as that is the point of a good review. I don’t actually own one of these, because I’m not stupid enough to buy one myself, and even my friends who purchase me the most ironic of gifts would know they’d have it thrown back at their heads within moments of me unwrapping it.
Aside from neglecting your child from experiencing a bit of reality for a mere 3 seconds at a time (and if it didn’t poo so often, it wouldn’t experience this abuse on such a regular basis) and depriving yourself of the enjoyment of payback with a cold, moist cloth, you also get to pay for the privelege of owning one. At the expense of your Vodka habit, of course, which is also most suitable for aiding you with a baby who squirms when you wipe it’s bum.
Of course, oh evil mummy, if you don’t buy one, you’re child will undoubtably grow up with severe emotional and psychological issues, and quite possibly Post Traumatic Stress Disorder at the prolonged abuse you have inclflicted upon him or her for the first 2-3 years of it’s life. Like it will even remember how horrible you were to it.
Sheesh.
The funniest thing, however – even more riduculous than there very fact that these products are out there and being purchased (dare I say, by moronic parents who have either been sucked in BIG TIME or have EOP Syndrome) – when I searched, over 104,000 links came up! WTF?!, and there are over thirty different sorts of baby wipe warmers you can purchase, including travel wipes warmers!
One even comes with a light! Because? You’re a moron with more money than sense, who finds it hard to see in the dark? I’m guessing.
It’s products like this that make me really wish I’d run with some of my freaking ridiculous ideas that sound fabulous at 2am, but in the harsh light of day are, well, freaking ridiculous. I might be closer to living the reality of a holiday in the Bahamas.
So, if you’ve been sucked in to purchasing one of these, go see your psych about dealing with your EOP, and your GP to see if they have any meds to help. And if you’ve nothing better to spend you’re money on, feel free to send some my way. I take cash, Visa and sauvignon blanc (preferably from Marlborough, NZ).
I’m still shaking my head in disbelief that products like this are actually selling … some people will sell anything to expectant parents. And it’s wrong, I tell you. Wrong!
Note: EOP or Extreme Overprotective Parenting is not a real disorder. Yet. It’s one that I made up just today. However, if you have purchased a baby wipe warmer and it wasn’t a sarcastic gift for someone else, I think it may be more real than we believe and should perhaps be listed in the DSM.
Breast Not Best?
Posted by: | CommentsI really hate it when that happens.
I do a blog post on boobs, and the next day there is a newspaper article on a very similar topic that kinda contradicts what I’m saying.
This particular arcticle, a teensy one by Evonne Barry of the Melbourne Herald Sun pretty much states that:
The sexualisation of women’s bodies has turned a generation off public breastfeeding, according to a maternity report.
The Newspoll survey found 36 percent of poeople aged 18-24 believe breastfeeding is “unacceptable” in the workplace and in cafes, compared with 27% of all adults surveyed.
I do think it is very sad that this exists, and that so many people think like this. I do stand by my argument, however, that women’s bodies, and breasts, are sexual by their very nature.
And the angle I hadn’t considered was the angle that women would find it uncomfortable breastfeeding because boobs have been sexualised. Considering my own thoughts and feelings (and yes, they are mine and mine alone) I guess I don’t like people looking at my boobs when I’m feeding coz it does make me feel a little bit icky. I feel this because they are a sensual part of my body, and, I feel, quite private. Not sure if I’ve explained that terribly well at all!
Anyhoo, if boobs weren’t sexual or sensual in the first place, I don’t believe the issue would be as huge as it is. I don’t believe boobs would be sexualised in the manner that they are if they weren’t sexual or sensual. In which case, it would be a moot point, breasts wouldn’t be sexualised and no one would be able to blame the media for anything. Or for this, anyway.
*sigh*
If only it were all that simple. I really wish we could all just accept and live with both.
As I said in the last boobie post – breasts, like women, are multitasking and multifunctional. Why are we not applauding this diversity of the boob? I know I am.
(Any excuse for a celebratory bubbles, really 
)
Breaking News: Lives at Risk as Safety Barrier Breached
Posted by: | CommentsJust after lunch today a safety barrier was breached putting the lives of 32 LEGO men in danger.
The safety barrier had been in place for some weeks, when just last week the 11 month old discovered he could crawl his way under it. It was reconfigured this morning to prevent access to the area by Mummy, who was, quite frankly, sick of the whinging of the eight year old, despite her numerous requests, pleas and commands that the LEGO men be safely stored in boxes with lids. Not that this is any guarantee of their safety.
Concern increased after the noted disappearance of a LEGO man dressed in chef’s attire and carrying a chicken drumstick. Despite requests by the eight year old of his Mummy to “look through the baby’s poo” in order to locate his whereabouts, he remains unfound, although chances of his reappearance are greatly increased if eight year old will just bloody look for it, will you?!
The culprit was caught scaling the barrier shortly after his lunch of Vegemite sandwiches and cat food.
The LEGO men at risk lay huddled, clearly petrified with terror and unable to move, in the middle of the room until the danger had passed.
The need for a more suitable safety gate will be discussed over the evening meal, although Mummy is, quite frankly, pissed that this will probably be at the expense of a new pair of shoes. For herself.
If anyone knows the whereabouts of the LEGO Chef man, please contact Monkey Boy immediately before Mummy completely loses the plot.
How To Make a Papier Mache Volcano for a School Science Project
Posted by: | CommentsAh, gotta love school projects. No idea why they’re referred to as “school” projects, when the note gets sent home, addressed to the parents, with very clear instruction that the intention is for the project to be done at home.
Of course, part way through doing the project, you know damn well why the teachers don’t want the bloody things done at school!
Anyway – our (no, wait, Monkey Boy’s) school science project of his choosing is a Volcano. But first we have to make the volcano bit. In our infinite wisdom, and, mostly, lack of experience, we determined a papier mache volcano would be the way to go;
How to Make a Papier Mache Volcano
You will need:
- plain flour
- water
- a bottle of some sort (not a very big one, otherwise you’ll end up with a really ginormous volcano that won’t fit in your car to take to the science fair at school)
- a cake board or other thick cardboard
- a sense of humour or, at the very least, a sizeable amount of patience and tolerance
Now do this:
- Find someone who knows how to make papier mache and hassle them until they tell you. The will start with “are you insane, it’s easy!” until they realise you are serious and ignorant, then they will tell you
- Ask them to define “gloopy”
- Dress in your daggiest work wear, and, if possible, short sleeve tops are recommended. Garbage bags or nudity are even more appropriate
- Tear up bits of newspaper. Lots of it
- Calm children down and wipe away tears after Father Figure yells at them for tearing up paper he was actually reading at the time of newspaper tearage
- Locate sticky tape to repair damaged today’s paper, and find a more suitable newspaper to tear up
- Instruct, again, on the size of torn off bits required
- Find a suitable spot outside to commence construction
- Race around back yard, picking up bits of blown away newspaper
- Find a brick to hold bits of newspaper down
- Find a bucket, bowl or similar receptacle
- Fill a jug with water and locate the flour
- Make sure you use plain flour, and NOT self-raising
- Add flour to bowl and mix in water, a little at a time
- Add more flour
- Add more water
- Repeat until gloopy and you have in the vicinity 186 litres of gloopy flour and water mix
- Place the bottle in the middle of the cake baord or thick card
- Dip some newspaper in the gloop, and start adding it to the bottle and board
- Better still, get the bloody kid to do it – it’s his project!
- Long bits of paper can be used to run down the side of the bottle, making the volcano shape and adhering bottle to the board
- Remove coffee MUG from table using a handy chisel
- Prevent 6 year old from consuming gloopy flour mix
- Remove cat from clutches of infant (no, its not stuck with gloopy mix, he just likes the cat)
- Remove infant from bowl of gloopy mix
- Remove cat from clutches of infant using scissors to trim cat’s fur
- Remove bits of gloop covered newspaper from 8 year old’s hair
- Using a hairdryer, make sure you dry between each layer of glued on newspaper
- Alternatively, leave each layer overnight and drag this friggin’ nightmare out for the next 17 years!
- Break for lunch, walk down street to purchase bread rolls and ponder why everyone is looking at you oddly
- Check face in bathroom mirror when you return home and discover the obvious
- Retrieve chisel from infant and remove gloop from face, hair and various other body parts
- No, you really don’t want to think about how gloop got there
- Suitably nourished, recommence sticking
- Yell loudly for grade 3 child to “Come back and help – it’s your damn project!”
- Check temper levels – yup, they’re about where expected – throw handfuls of wrongly sized shredded newspaper into gloop and state “I’m sick of this. If you’re not going to listen to me tell you how to do it properly, do it yourself!”
- Realise you have no idea how to do it properly yourself, feel guilty and go back and keep sticking
- Forbid 8 year old to leave you to do it yourself – force him to suffer, just like you are!
- Volcano is now looking vaguely volcano shaped
- Board you have set it on has curled up – convince yourself this is ok, as this will prevent the “lava” from running over sides and onto carpet at school
- Resent fact that you have pretty much rendered the entire backyard, including the cats, with gloop, yet are concerned about state of carpet in classroom
- Pour self large – no LARGE – glass of wine
- With remaining gloop mix, make enough pancakes to feed entire 3rd World (remember to add sugar or they will taste icky)
- With the still remaining gloop, retile bathroom (both of them) and that of the neighbours
- Sell remainder to builders building ridiclous 7 storey appartment block up the road
- Go do something more fun, like stick hot needles in your eyes …
*sigh*
And that’s just the volcano – Part 2 is the “lava”
