Archive for Reality Parenting
More than Mummy Brain
Posted by: | CommentsA few weeks back there was research doing the rounds around “mummy brain” and/or “pregnancy brain”; that phenomena where basically you lose significant function of your mind and you forget important things, like the ability to speak or the fact you’ve just left your newborn in the carpet store.
What you were doing in there in the first place is also a mystery.
Anyhoo, the research, which I’m far to exhausted to look for right this moment, and can’t remember what it was called anyway, indicates that this particular phenomenon is, in fact, a myth. It doesn’t exist. It never happens.
Women in various stages of impending and current motherhood were tested using memory tests and things that do stuff that test how quick they recall things and find … other things. And stuff.
Thereby proving that Mums is clever and don’t forget stuff at all.
This is all well and good, except for two things.
Firstly, thank you very bloody much for depriving we mere mothers of one of our saving grace excuses. Now how can we credibly use “Oh, that. Aha ha ha. No I’ve had those shoes for ages, I just, um forgot where I left them. I didn’t spend $150 on them this week” or “Oh, this weekend, sorry, can’t make it to your mother’s 108th birthday party, I forgot, I have something else on.”
Secondly, these tests were conducted under controlled condtions. In a lab-like environment. Any parent knows that getting kids ready for school, and cooking dinner with a toddler hanging off your right leg and a pre-schooler eating the cat food is far from “controlled”.
To be quite frank, “children” and “controlled environment” can’t really be used in the same sentence, unless the word “not” is used at some point.
The additional distractions are only a small part of it. Your brain is not focussed soley on finding the matching card in a scientific version of Pick Up 52. No, your brain is not only focussed on finding the matching shoe to the one you’ve just located in the crisper compartment, but also on retrieving the now crawling baby from the back of the wardrobe, ensuring everyone is dressed in a vaguely socially acceptable manner, has nutritious lunch and their age appropriate homework that was due yesterday.
Then there’s thoughts of meal preparation, ensuring the house isn’t going to cause some disease usually restricted to third world countries and remembering to put your pants on before doing the school pickup.
Before we argue the finer points of Mummy Brain, Life also adds to the confusion. Births, deaths and marriages of family, friends and neighbours adds the need for purchasing a new frock, new shoes and a present, not to mention the emotional turmoil that inevitably comes with these life events. That’s just a few of the major incidents; lets not forget serious illness, minor illness, starting school, shoe shopping for the kids, ensuring you have the right colour lunchbox, bullying (real or imagined), after school activities, underpants that fit, appliance breakdown, appliance meltdown, relatives popping around, parties, present purchasing, Christmas dinner… the list goes on.
Surely there must be a point where your brain fills up so much that Mother of the Year moments like my recent birthday present forgettage (for my own son) are inevitable?
It’s not like we don’t have enough ‘research’ telling us all the bits and whatsits we’re doing wrong on a daily basis, please, please don’t tell me the loss of my mind is not real.
Unless … hmm, maybe my forgetfulness and misplacement of objects is just a figment of my imagination, and really I’m just completely together, efficient, organised and never forget a birthday present ever, and there really is a very good explanation as to why my sports bra has just been found in the lasagne?
I love my kids, but …
Posted by: | CommentsI don’t have many pet peeves about things people say.
Ok, I really don’t like “should of”, that’s just wrong! It’s “should’ve” or the abbrevation for “should have”. Not “should of”. Grammatically incorrect. And really annoying.
And when people say “2am in the morning”; “am” is morning! My fave was a “2am in the morning on Friday night”.
What?????!!!!!
But thing that makes me really, really cross is “I love my kids, but …”
A couple of things go through my head ….
The “but”. What, the bit you said right before you said “but” is a load of crap and you don’t really love your kids at all?
Then I think why are you telling me you love your kids? For a start, well, I know that. I find it incredibly difficult to believe that any mum, even those we consider the “worst” mums, doesn’t love her kid at some level.
Except, perhaps, those that are in the midst of a psychotic episode, in which case, they have no grasp at that point in time on reality and can perhaps be forgiven for not loving their kids at that point in time.
The problem is, the issue is rife! Given what I do, I regularly get into conversations with people re parenting and mothering and raising kids and all the rest of it, inevitably resulting in one mum or another (or all of them) saying “I love my kids, but….” and going on to get something off their chest that is really annoying them, or asking for clarification that their life is normal, or just joining in a ranty conversation involving bitching about kids.
I hear it a lot, is what I’m getting at.
And it makes me wonder … what is the point?
Are mums really so concerned about what others think of them, that people will actually doubt their love of their children because they are being honest?
Are there women out there that actually, seriously think that mums love their kids less if they comment on the bits they don’t like? In which case, I can’t help but wonder if these women need to find a hobby so as to occupy their minds with something more meaningful and productive.
Or are mums trying to convince themselves that they really love their kids? That by saying “he’s being a right little fucker” as kids are wont to do, that they actually love them less?
I don’t understand it.
Telling me you love your kids, well, it’s not that I care or don’t care, but it makes no difference. You see, I know you love your kids, intrinsically, unconditionally and without question.
You don’t need to convince me, and whether you preface with what you’re about to say about your kid with that phrase has no impact on my opinion of you.
(Except to wonder whether you’re really trying to convince yourself of it, and worried about who you spend most of your time with that you feel the need to do this in front of someone like me)
As far as I’m concerned, the only ones that need to know whether you love them or not are your kids; not me, not Mrs Sanctimummy, not your mother-in-law (if she doesn’t know, then there’s not point getting into discussion with her about it). Telling me or anyone else isn’t going to reinforce it to your kids.
So stop it!
And it’s not about the word “but” either. It’s “and” and “if” and “when” and any other spin you put on the end of “I love my kids”. Quite frankly, that bit can be left out completely!
I guess I have trouble understanding it, because I am so confident in my love for my kids that I don’t feel the need to tell anyone about it. I know I love them, they know I love them, my hubby knows I love them and that’s what matters. Whether you or anyone else believes or do or not is irrelevant.
So confident I am that I love them that I have no problems with being honest about how my daily life is with them, the good, the bad and the extensive flashing of penises and singing about bums. They’re kids. They do stuff that is really annoying, frustrating and insanity provoking. Pretending it doesn’t happen, or doesn’t affect you in one way or another is of benefit to no-one. Being open and honest about the experience is cleansing.
Having a glass of wine is essential.
I feel no guilt for speaking up about the realities, nor am I concerned that others may think less of me. If they do, then that’s their problem, not mine, because I have better things to spend my time on than worrying about what others think of their kids. Or anything, really.
If people are so caught up in thinking about what others think, then that just makes me sad. And then I get over it really quickly 
The important thing is, my kids feel loved, my being honest about my experiences only benefits them and everyone else around me, and everyone who matters is ok.
And whether or not I tell you I love my kids, does that make any difference to your life at all?
Or is it the feeling like you’re “normal” and not alone in the crap they can sometimes throw at you that makes the difference?
(For judgement free, “I love my kids, but …” free, safe haven for ranting and raving about parenting, please visit the Retell Therapy Forums … no need for justifying anything, we get it!)
Back to school stuff
Posted by: | CommentsIs nearly that time of year again … and already is for some people.
Victorian state schools have introduced this fabulous new thing whereby all the curriculum/personal development/pupil free days are all taken at the start of the year (except the day before Melbourne Cup Day!), so we go back next week. It also means we don’t get breaks throughout the year, but then again, when we do, we bitch about that as well
Anyhoo, I thought I’d give you a list of stuff you need, and stuff you don’t, because it’s all very stressful and confusing and children take advantage of it and tellyou that its part of the school rules that they have a Ben Ten backpack and that a Bart Simpson t-shirt is now part of the school uniform.
My best advice – even if a school uniform isn’t compulsory, buy one. Or, because they are disgustingly expensive, go buy some shirts and shorts etc in school colours from Kmart or Target or wherever (except if your school uniform is purple and you can’t buy this in polo shirts anywhere!)
A bag with the school emblem on it is also useful, because they design these bags to suit school needs. However, almost every other kid has one, and I found some better ones at Boxy Design, which are a smilar design/layout to the school be-emblemed ones, but have copartments! Aaahhh, comparments. Special compartments. Designated compartments. The best friend of the Virgo.
(Not so great for Librans – because they just can’t decide what to put where!)
Lunchbox is also very important, because, you know some food might touch other food and then there will be a meltdown and tears and tantrums and all kinds of things. I, personally, prefer a lunchbox with lots of compartments. Schools are also increasingly bringing in “nude food” policies. Nude food is food without wrappers or packaging or glad wrap and that sort of thing. The segmented boxes also help kids with what to eat and when. It can be a little overwhelming for kids. Lordy knows why. It’s just food for goodness sake!
Anyhoo, you can get loads of lunch boxes at supermarkets for not a huge cost. And you can avoid branded ones Because, despite what they tell you, they do not need a Hannah Montana lunchbox. They are big fat liars and out to take you for anything they can. That’s the kids and big business. Boxy do a range of lunchboxes, but I prefer the Tupperware Sandwich Keepers Plus, because I am anal Tupperware freak, but also they do keep the food fresh (no wrappers required), they fit perfectly into the Boxy backpacks, they keep the food segmented, with enough room for a day’s worth of food, and – best bit – the lifetime garauntee, where if it breaks, you get it replaced . They may “appear” more expensive, but they’ll last way more years than other lunchboxes. The cost works out around the same, or in favour of Tupperware.
Just my opinion.
Labels are also handy. Name labels for the kids. And, more importantly, some for you, because the little buggers will take your stuff to school and claim it as their own. You can get some from places like Identity Direct or That’s Mine or any number of other places. You’ll need some vinyl labels, and some iron on ones. And not much more than that.
You – as in you – will also need something to keep you going in the mornings. The perfect solution? A Real Mums Escape MUG Or, if you’re really clever, a MUG and a spare
And a good pair of slippers and bath robe for dropping the kids off and picking them up.
Aside from what’s on their booklist and bazillion other lists the school gives you, that’s pretty much all you’ll need.
(Although a visit to the Real Mums Wine Club could also be handy )
If this is your first year at school – enjoy and have fun!
When it’s ok to be late
Posted by: | CommentsI admit it.
I’m one of these people who is pathologically on time, if not early, for everything. I can’t help it. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, I’ve even tried to be late, and still turned up, quite literally, on the dot.
I’m getting slightly better. Most times I can manage to pull off being 3 or 4 minutes late. Once it was even 6 minutes.
Sadly, I’ve married into a family who have a pathalogical inability to read and understand time in any of it’s forms or concepts. Lateness is inevitable. And I’m not talking an acceptable 10 minutes. I’m talking an hour and a half.
On the dot.
I’ve worked on them. They’re now down to half an hour. Mostly.
What makes it worse is that they assure everyone (it’s a large family of in-laws) has the correct time and place. There is lots of “yep, see you at 6.30″ or whatever the time.
They. Never. Are.
One would think that I would learn, and jsut turn up late myself. Two things – firstly, I’ve had enough discussons, tantrums and snarkily made comments (including the following discussion) to think they may have realised the impact they have on everyone else.
Secondly, I’m patholigically incapable of being late. It’s not abut perfection, or needing to please or being a self-righteous, snotty, stuck up cow. It is because I care about other people. I don’t like to keep other people waiting, not because I’m worried they’ll think I’m unreliable or hopeless. Because I don’t like my time being wasted; so I don’t do it to others. Because I don’t like being hungry and having to wait; so I don’t do it to others. Becuase I don’t like being left with 3 bored and hungry kids, verging on tired; so I don’t do it to others.
It’s not about what they think of me. It’s about “do unto others as you would have done unto yourself”. Or in normal speak “treat others how you would like to be treated”.
So when we had a dinner organised for 6.30, and, this time, I chose the snarky sarcastic comment of “see you at 7, then” and received a stern (and totally unappreciative of my fabulous sense of humour!) reply that, no, we will see them at 6.30.
We turned up 5 and a half minutes late.
I was once sent an email – one of those anti-stress ones, about living your life and having fun and blah blah. One of the quotes on it was:
Have you ever noticed how people who are always on time are stressed, but the people who are late are relaxed and happy?
And went on to say stuff about happy, stress free lives.
(It was an email that I went delete, delete, delete and not forward to 87 of my closest friends. Mostly due to that line)
I’m not relaxed and happy and stress free when I am late.
And when the rest did bother to turn up, at 7pm, no apology, lots of finger pointing, it came to me, again, why this quote came about.
People who are relaxed and happy when they are late, are relaxed and happy because they really don’t care about anyone else. They have no inkling of what they’ve just put the other party/ies through. It hasn’t crossed their minds that they’ve just left a family of 5 sitting their, hungry and bored, the parents having to field the unanswerable 896 bazillion “when are they getting here” questions.
They don’t get that, particularly when it’s a restaurant, we have to wait even longer while they faff about, get settled and peruse the menus, which we know no back to front having had half an hour (or more) of time to kill.
They get snooty when the 3 hungry kids start mucking around a little, highly likely due to extremely low blood glucose levels and extreme boredom, and when the parents start saying “just order the damn banquet, I’m starving and need to eat”. They quite seriously cannot understand the underlying, and very much reserved frustration and anger – mostly fuelled by lack of food and the fact that those left waiting feel like their lives really aren’t that important.
I want to make this point clear. People who are “happy and relaxed” when they are late are not people who are living fun, stress free lives.
They are people who are inconsiderate, selfish, self-centred, disrespectful and have absolutely no thought for anyone but themselves.
You can word it any way you want, and make all the excuses in the world, and send emails around talking about happy, stress free lives, but it doesn’t make you any less rude or your behaviour any more accepting.
A quick update and some stuff coming up
Posted by: | CommentsYipee!
We have lots of very exciting things planned for next year … some of which we’re working on now, like Mums’ Night Out! for example, and the Real Mum of the Year Award, which we do each and every year … and some other stuff that will really take off in 2010.
There’s also things like the publication of Mad Cow’s first book, Mad Cow’s Guide To Bad Mothering (interim title) (you can pre-order your copy NOW) and the commencment of the Bad Mother’s Club Guilt Free Parenting Program, and lots more events and In Real Life get togethers for Mums.
Anyhoo, the gist of all that is that we need to do some stuff with the current blog template (among other things – new realmums.com.au and Bad Mother’s Club websites coming up as well), so the blog will have a new look over the next week. Assuming the Universe and the Whims Of Technology align at the same time as I’m / we’re actually doing the stuff that causes these changes, so that we can keep you better informed and updated about all the really cool stuff going on and coming up
Stay tuned.
(And remember to grab your Mums’ Night Out! tickets at the pre-sale price, which expires midnight December 25th and pre-order your copy of Mad Cow’s Guide to Bad Mothering)
The 9th Day of Christmas – the Need to Read
Posted by: | CommentsSeek Books have been an amazing support for us, particularly in relation to the Real Mums Book Club.
(hehe they probably aren’t even aware of it … just they’ve had all the books we’ve chosen, been a source of present buying throughout the year and, well, I just love books – another site that I can get lost on for hours)
Again, it’s another source for your Christmas Shopping where you have pretty much everyone covered … Mum, Dad, Grandparents, Kids, Aunts, Uncles, Teachers, Friends and, of course, you!
They boast stocking over 1.5 million book titles, and I’d believe it. Their service is pretty good, too, and haven’t yet come across a book they don’t have. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough?
Anyhoo, great source of gift ideas for anyone really.
He threw a tantrum? Oh, well that’s ok then.
Posted by: | CommentsI had to stop and grab some bits and pieces on the way home from something a week ago. We have a new Coles opened up, that was on the way, and, better still, they have those little mini-trolleys that my 8 and 6 year old (despite being somewhat too big) love.
They keep the kids occupied, and prevent them from standing on the front of my trolley, adding an extra 20-40 kilo to the load with the dodgy wheel.
Monkey Boy was eager to accompany me with the the shop, and was most dismayed to discover none of these trolleys available.
I was mixed. Sure, they keep him happy and help with the segregation of groceries (he takes the cold load), but I now wouldn’t have to deal with his accidental ramming of other folk, and his squatting down low, holding the handle with 3 fingers, affecting a funny voice and informing the entire nation that “I am Yoda’s Mummy. Don’t do that, come back here, stop misbehaving, you’ll get a smack.” Hilarious.
I figured there just must be lots of people shopping, but, nope, no more than usual. Spotted two of the mini trolleys in use.
The next day, I find this article in the paper, Rolling out the door to never return, with the subheading Parents held to account for missing mini-trolleys. Apparently, this is where all the trolleys have gone!
According to the article:
Quirky Kid Clinic psychologist Kimberley O’Brien said taking the trolleys home was possibly a simple solution to car park tantrums for stressed-out parents.
“At the end of the shopping day, kids can often be very emotional and tired, and mums might want a quick-fix,” she said.
Ah, the kid chucked a tanty, so mummy (or daddy) tossed the trolley in the back of the car. Well, if a tanty was involved, that makes it all ok then.
I’m just peeved that I didn’t think of this earlier.
Course, I have tried the tanty myself, arms wrapped firmly around several kilos of dark chocolate, but they called security and had me escorted out.
I’m not a great believer in exploiting children. Not in this manner anyway, but I really could do with some new bras. My size ones are all located at about 3 year old height, so I might go get my hands on one of those, have them grab a couple of handfuls and throw a tantrum when someone tries to take them out of their hands.
I mean, really, what am I to do if that happens. Surely my only option is to shrug, say “Sorry, I’m really tired and stressed, we’ll just have to take them with us, because I just can’t handle a tantrum.”
There’s a nice pair of shoes up the road I’d love to get my hands on, and could do with a new handbag. The 8 year old is good for tantrums in shoe shops, and the 6 year old is good for them anywhere, so long as I use the words “put it back” or “no”.
I can’t decide between the black or the red bag, but he has two hands, so I’m sure he could hold one in each, I could say “Put them back,” he will cry and I’ll just go home with them.
Oh, and the baby. He’s reaching that Age Of Tantrums, so I’m sure I could walk out with a trolley load of groceries when he loses it and tries it on in the supermarket. “Yeah, sorry, can’t deal with it, must go! Byeeee!”
Of course, I’d always return the trolley. Besides, it won’t fit in the back of the car.
That’s all alright, isn’t it?
(Edited to add: Caution – High Levels of Sarcasm in this post, particularly the bit after the quote till the end.)
You won’t be able to lose them, even if you try
Posted by: | CommentsIt was some weeks back that I got distracted, err, umm, was working very hard, grabbing a few minutes where I could, and lost a naked baby in the house.
It was during that time that I realised the baby was missing that I entered a competion to win some Identitats from Tat Your Tot - and I won!
Got a nice little set for boys, with the ability to write your own telephone number (or someone else’s) on the temporary tattoo.
Had an incident tonight … again involving a missing, just bathed baby.
Anyhoo, I tested them out, and these things really are a great idea. They go on really easily (except on the bottoms of 1 year old boys, who won’t sit still long enough) and are apparently appealing, as I spent most of the rest of the evening repeatedly saying to my 6 year old “No, you can’t have one now, you can have one when you need one!” and making me more determined to write someone else’s number on it.
You can order them with your own details, or get the write on tats, which are really easy to write on.
What I do like about these over other forms of ID for kids in crowded places is that they’re relatively discreet, you don’t have your phone number stuck to the front of a child for all to see, they’re harder to lose, unlike labels stuck or pinned on which can become unstuck and lost (usually in the toilet, a la “for a good time call my mum”), and can be hidden under a shirt sleeve. Or nappy.
And the kids love them. Easy peasy. Great idea.
Now you won’t be able to lose your kids, even if you try.
If this review is on your product, and you’d like to let everyone know what a Real Mum thinks of it, please feel free to use the button below to promote the review on your site/product.
If you’d like a different button, please check out our range here.)
Loving your Life … um, continued …
Posted by: | CommentsThe last two weeks have been slightly crazy and insane at my end, with the media getting hold of the launch of the Bad Mother’s Club, and me having quite a few interviews for radio and TV.
But I did promise the gorgeous Renee from Bra Queen, when she kicked off her Love Your Life Challenge that I would participate – and that I have. I haven’t had the change to blog about it, but believe that what she included in her Challenge was worth blogging about … so here’s a quick summary of the Challenge and what I’ve been up to …
Day 11 was Validation … valildating my own feelings, accepting them and having the freedom to move on from them. It’s common for us to repress our emotions, particularly as Mums.
As a Mum, one of the most empowering and powerful things I have learnt to do is accept that I’m angry/stressed/sad/tired (and even happy/joyful/excited) and how this impacts on the relationship I have with my kids and husband, but also how it affects the way I react to their behaviours.
By accepting and acknowledging them, I can take responsibilty for the way things play out … and I have the power to have them go the way I would like. Very powerful.
Day 15 – Intimacy … some fabulous tips on bringing intimacy back to the relationship. For me, this was about being reponsible for how the relationship was. Not about it being a burden, or “why do I have to do everything” but about getting the outcome I wanted. And making a profound difference to my husband.
Sure, I could sit back and complain about what he doesn’t do, or I can take control and love my relationship, and love my husband. Some of it is communicating what I really want – coz, much as I love him, he has his own version of what it is I like and don’t – he doesn’t know unless I tell him, openly, honestly and without yelling.
It’s also behaving like I love him, not just feeling love, but “doing” love. And it is LOADS of fun!
Day 18 – Why It Makes You Angry – Renee shared some really great information on where our anger (or sadness, or guilt or any other emotion) comes from in particular situation.
It was a great reminder for me … those situations that keep coming up and coming up. You know those ones? They all start somewhere, an incident from when you were a kid (or when I was a kid ) that stays with you, and everyone from that moment on who does that thing is making you feel like that kid again.
Where did it come from? Look, recall the incident … then grow up! But not too much, because being not grown up can be loads of fun, too. Just pick the moment to be a kid, and when it’s best not to be.
There was more, these were the ones that stuck out for me.
There were also some more great, personal stories in there; ones that helped to inform some, and provide understanding for others.
My own story on depression was on Day 7 and a great one on Anxiety by Jade Craven on Day 12
The Challenge is now finished, and if you joined us in it, congratulations and I’d love to know how you went. If you didn’t, it’s worth a look-in, and maybe a Challenge you can do for yourself … and your loved ones.
We’d LOVE your votes
Posted by: | CommentsDiary of a Mad Cow – the daily (ish) musings of Mad Cow herself – has mad the finals in the Business Mums Blog Awards.
How ‘citing!
We would be most humbled and honoured if you could get behind Diary and Vote. Besides, Mad Cow needs all the love she can get – even if she does need to ask for it on a blog …
You may vote here … http://www.businessmumsnetwork.com.au/index.php?categoryid=80
Thanks!
